Relationships

Relationships are connections between people. Relationships can be close, like those between family members, friends and lovers, or more distant, like those between schoolmates and work colleagues.  

Understanding relationships starts in the family when children are young. As people move outside the home into community and school, relationship circles grow wider to take in friends, peers, teachers, teammates, helping professionals.

 

A relationship is healthy when it is mutually enjoyable, increases well-being, and meets the needs of everyone involved without causing harm to anyone.

DYLAN’S STORY…

I thought relationships were supposed to make you happy! I don’t know what to do. Do I say “yes” and hook up even though I feel like I’m just being used? I’m not saying that I’m being forced to have sex, but I know that Jayden’s put stuff on Snap that I’m not man enough. That makes me feel like loser, but I know that I want more than just sex. Now, Jayden is even following me around and wants to know where I am all the time, which just feels weird.

Healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships

Relationships can be healthy, unhealthy or abusive. Healthy relationships make us happy and healthy; unhealthy relationships make us sick. If unhealthy relationships become abusive, it impacts all areas of health and can be life threatening.

All abusive relationships are unhealthy, but not all unhealthy relationships are abusive.

Healthy Relationships

Both partners feel safe, communicate and work out disagreements respectfully and can set and respect boundaries; partners can spend time alone and there is no violence or threat of violence.1

Unhealthy Relationships

Partners feel awkward and embarrassed when sharing ideas and feelings; there is jealousy, pressuring or possessiveness and disagreements turn into fights.1

Abusive Relationships

A partner is harmed in the relationship; they are afraid to communicate feelings, boundaries or ideas because it could result in physical violence, forced sexual contact, threats, name-calling or other abuse. Abuse can be emotional, physical, sexual, financial, social or spiritual. Neglect is also a form of abuse.1

Tip

People of every sexual orientation, gender identity, sex, faith, culture, socio-economic status or community can be affected by abusive relationships.

Communication

Relationships are about communication. Healthy communication in relationships is about being able to safely express and respect needs, goals and limits.

There are four basic styles of communication:2  

  • Aggressive communication: communicator tries to intimidate or threaten the other person using loud volume, angry tone, name-calling, “you” statements, profanity, threatening gestures, glaring eye contact or even stillness and low volume. The other person may feel unsafe. This often results in escalating conflict.
  • Passive communication: communicator tries to avoid or escape conflict by using quiet volume, saying “I’m sorry,” shrinking body language and minimal eye. This often happens if the person is feeling unsafe but may escalate conflict.
  • Passive-aggressive communication: communicator tries to manipulate someone by using a sarcastic tone, exaggerated gestures and facial expressions and saying one thing (such as an apology) and clearly meaning another. This is often used when the person is frustrated or angry but doesn’t know how to express it. This often escalates conflict.
  • Assertive communication: communicator describes the situation and states feelings, needs, expectations and limits using even, calm volume, tone and body consistent with stated emotions and “I” statements.

Tip

When community service providers set and communicate their own boundaries, they are modelling the skills youth need to learn to set and communicate their own boundaries.

When youth are presented with a situation that is unsafe or uncomfortable, ideally, they would use assertive communication to REFUSE that situation.  However they can also DELAY or NEGOTIATE to avoid participating in an activity that is not right for them.

Delaying gives the person time to think about other ways to respond to the situation (e.g., “I see my brother over there. He’s my ride, so I’ll let you know later”).

Negotiating is when alternatives are provided to change the situation for the better (e.g., “How about we go to laser tag instead, my treat”).

Refusing is when assertive communication is used to clearly set boundaries (e.g., “You are asking me to do something that I feel is not safe. I am not going to do that today”).3

Healthy or Unhealthy – How can you Tell?

Consent is permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something.4

Consent is about respect and communication. It is important for people to learn about consent from an early age because it leads to better relationships with family, friends, peers and romantic partners.5 Consent includes knowing and respecting personal boundaries as well as the boundaries of others. Knowing what you and others are comfortable with can help keep relationships safe and healthy. Understanding consent means that you have the skills to leave a situation that does not feel comfortable and respecting those who wish to do the same.5 

Good to know

Bullying can be:
  • Verbal – E.g., name-calling, put downs and threats
  • Social – E.g., gossip, ganging up, excluding
  • Physical – E.g. hitting, damaging property
  • Cyber – E.g., using computer or social media to harass or threaten
Bullying can happen at home, work, school or during sports.
Sex without consent is sexual assault.
For more information on consent and sexual assault, click here.

To check to see if your relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive, click here.

Abusive Relationships

Relationships that are abusive may follow an abuse cycle that looks something like this:

As the cycle repeats, the intensity and harm caused by each incident often becomes increasingly serious. People may be concerned that someone they know is in an abusive relationship.
Warning signs of abuse include:
  • Personality changes such as becoming withdrawn, depressed, angry, fearful or overly cheerful.
  • Behavior changes such as stopping regular activities, excessive apologizing, neglecting hygiene, or making excuses for others.
  • Physical marks or injuries, attempts to hide injuries or excuses for injuries.
  • Admitting to abuse or subtle hints at abuse.6

Good to know

It can be hard to accept that some people feel it’s safer for them to stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship than it is to ask for help or leave.  Some people stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear, the need to have somewhere to stay, or loneliness.

Raising a concern and offering support

It is important to not be silent if you suspect abuse. However, it can be hard to know how to raise a concern about abuse and how to be a support for someone involved in an abusive relationship.

 

Some ways of bringing up a concern of abuse are: 
  • Asking if violence or abuse is part of their life – they may say yes or no, but the more times a person is asked, the more chances that person has to disclose when they are ready.
  • Talking about your observations and saying that these are sometimes indicators of abuse.
  • Giving them information about abuse support agencies such as CONNECT.

 

Once someone has said that they are involved in an abusive relationship, they might choose to leave the relationship or they might choose to stay in it. In either case, people can be supported in creating a safety plan and learning about support services in their community.

For access to speak with a trained professional 24/7 via the telephone or online chat, click here 
For more information about healthy relationships, see: 
Kidshelpphone.ca
Readyornotalberta.ca
RedCross.ca
Healthy-Relationships.pdf
YwcaGirlSpace.ca
For more information about types of abusive relationships, click here
For more information about bullying, click here
To learn more about recognizing abuse in others, see: ConnectNetwork.ca
For more information about family violence, click here
If you are supporting someone or are concerned about a relationship that is becoming abusive, click here
For more information about strategies for safety when supporting those involved in domestic violence, see: StrategiesForSafety.pdf
1MyHealth.Alberta.ca. (2020). Relationships: What is healthy and what is not. Retrieved from, https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Alberta/Pages/Relationships-what-is-healthy-and-what-is-not.aspx
2UK Violence Intervention and Prevention Center. (N.D.). The four basic styles of communication. Retrieved from, https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf
3Western Centre for Mental Health. (N.D.). Grade 9 physical and health education. Retrieved from https://youthrelationships.org/gr9_skillsparti.
4Merriam-Webster. (2016). Dictionary. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/
5Government of Ontario. (2015). Quick facts for parents. Learning about healthy relationships and consent. Retrieved from http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/curriculum/elementary/HPEconsent.pdf
6Connect Family & Sexual Abuse Network. (n.d.). Does someone you know need Connect? Retrieved from, http://connectnetwork.ca/does-someone-you-know-need-connect/